My (f18) cause of death will be suicide.

I don't mean now, I mean maybe sometime soon, my life situation and a certain blood-related bitch is trying to ruin my family's life, wouldn't be shocked if I attempted suicide again. It feels like I don't have control over it, of course technically I do, I've been institutionalized willingly so I didn't kill myself. But now I truly couldn't care less, maybe I'll decide to go back to the mental hospital I was in about 6 or something months ago, but it's almost embarrassing showing up so soon, they don't care they want to help but the problem is I care.

Either way, wether it's tomorrow, next month, next year, or even twenty years in the future I'm certain I will be the cause of my death. I'm what I call a lost cause, I don't like being one, but I'm only comfortable in my own misery, I'm on antidepressants, very good ones and I was uncomfortable on the highest dose I was on because I was so happy, and positive. I've had MDD since I was 6 but was diagnosed at 7. I've lived in misery all my life, and good things never last for me, I'm always suffering somehow. So being happy and positive even when something terrible was happening made me feel so off. I have a lower dose because my doctor wanted to lower it, I let him because I was uncomfortable. Now, I'm just miserable again and relapsed with self harm, but that was going to happen, I always fumble being clean, but now I'm suicidal again. I wasn't suicidal for 6 entire months, isn't that insane?

I went from every second being suicidal to not at all, even for a millisecond, medicine is amazing, I wish I could love it. But my true love is misery and she is one addictive mistress, abusive, and addictive. It makes sense though, I grew up with abuse since birth, all my relationships have had some type of abuse, even the ones I look positively on have abuse or fucked up undertones. In fact I'm turned off by traditional normal relationships, I'd never date someone my age, they have to be much older and have some sort of power over me.

You know what's also fucked but interesting? I was sexually abused during my formative years, groomed many times by older men, etc..and now my brain is attracted to both older men (and women), a power imbalance, and CNC (consensual non consent, aka it's like a rape kink but not like unplanned, more like roleplay.). Weird yea? Well not really since it's wel documented to happen, but it's odd how the brain works you know? I'm also hypersexual and have such a intense craving for attention and love I don't mind if I suffer for it.

Sorry, this is just the rambles of a lost soul with little hope and uncertainty in her heart. I'm a bit dramatic I know. Thank you for reading, really, thank you. I need someone to hear me, so thank you for doing so.