I can't anymore

Does it get better with age? I'm so alone guys. I'm 17 and I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian but I have OCD so I'm not completely sure. And my parents are crazy homophobic, transphobic, religious, you know the works.

I just want to hear your stories and to vent a little I suppose. The country I live in is also pretty homophobic so I'm planning to study abroad in order to live free. And I'm supposed to be studying now but I'm so sad. My parents are so hateful, they said if I want to travel I have to "dress more feminine" so people don't "think I'm a transgender".

I've been crying for the last hour. I hate wearing feminine clothes because I feel so gross and dysphoric but everyone says I look good. But when I'm comfortable in my masculine clothes they all say I look terrible. So it's "damned if you do damned if you don't" lol. I feel like such a freak sometimes especially when it hits me just how abnormal I am to them. It just sucks so much. I can't do anything because I need them to pay for my schooling. And coming out would basically be a death sentence so that's completely off the table till I'm independent.

For all the mascs/butches/studs who have gone no contact with your parents how are you now? Did things get better? Sorry, I just feel so sad all the time.