Many failed attempts

This is my first time posting on here. I’ve been with my AH for 12 years. It was never as bad as it has been in the last 2.5 years and I am at a breaking point (again) . I have studied Alanon, I have read the books and I always find peace in them and I always find peace on this forum as well, but tonight I admit I don’t have what it takes. I know what im supposed to do when I come home and he’s drunk. I’m supposed to go to bed and have a peaceful night ignoring the fact that he’s drunk. I’m not supposed to ask how many beers. I’m not supposed to even confront it because we all know how it ends. So why do I always do it? I don’t have what it takes to ignore it. I’ve tried and every time I start the fight by asking a question and knowing I’ll be lied to. When the lie comes out I lose it. He leaves and im left hurt and fuming. He leaves after he’s already gotten two dui’s. He turns off his location, I know the man like the back of my hand and I know how it all unfolds into a night of pure hell. I don’t know why I can’t fight the urge to ask. I don’t know what else to do. I still love him and I feel that im choosing this life by staying with him. Tomorrow there will be apologies that won’t mean anything and the cycle will start all over again. How to know when enough is enough? When is the chaos enough to say im done? The longer that time goes in between these instances, the harder it makes it bc it feels like maybe things are getting better, but in reality it’s worse when the other foot does drop. I know we can’t give advice but I desperately could use some insight